Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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