Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
