Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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