So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
