i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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