I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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