come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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