My sheets look like a crime scene.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize