My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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