Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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