I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
