the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Let's paint friendship bongs
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
