i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
