When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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