I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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