fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
