So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
