Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
