know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
