We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
