how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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