i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
