She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
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