tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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