the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
