Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
