I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
