She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
