Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
