I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
