This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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