someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
