it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
