Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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