i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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