i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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