miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
