Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
