I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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