Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
