So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
