I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize