The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
