just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
God, I missed his penis.
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