we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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