no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
