he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
