dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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