she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I want a musical about memes.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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