How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
