I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
