Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
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