i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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