I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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