She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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