My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
