i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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