why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
