Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
